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'Fear' Ficlet
shut_down_angel

Heeey peeps. ^_^ How's it going? I hope well. I just have a ficlet I'd like to share, for Jun's prompt, 'fear,' which is obviously late but hopefully enjoyable nonetheless. It's something I've been wondering about for a while: Jared's reaction to Henry (Colin's 2nd son). I would find it realy interesting to see how other people would write about it, so I'd luv you if you want to tackle it also. It was actually really hard for me to write about, I didn't address every detail I wanted to because it wouldn't flow well enough, and I'm still not really satisfied with it...but I want to be done with it. So here it goes.

Fic: Fear
Author: Me! (no beta)
Pairing: Jared/Colin
Rating: pg13
Summary: Colin tells Jared that he'll be a father again. Jared reacts. (eh. bad summary.)

               

Jared?” Colin said softly, not wanting to unleash Jared’s torrent of emotions again.

He had never seen Jared as angry as he had just hours ago, after telling him about the baby. Then, after an explosion from Jared that was surely affecting the entire globe, he had done nothing but sit on the couch in their living room and watch the rain fall; his arms remained wrapped around his knees which he had brought up against his chest. He’d been there for two hours at least. Colin couldn’t tell whether Jared’s expression meant that he was deep in thought or simply brooding.

                “Jared, please talk to me.” He wanted very much to hold Jared, or stroke his hair, or something, but he knew that physical contact would only do more damage than good. So he sat a safe distance away, enough to let Jared breathe while being close enough to reach out to him quickly.

                Jared did not look at him. It was minutes before he even responded. “…What.”

                “Jared, listen, I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry,” Colin pleaded, filling his voice with emotion since he himself was being ignored.

                Jared’s lips formed a tight line, and Colin noticed his hands clench. “You’re only sorry about cheating.”

                His statement surprised Colin. This had just been made much harder. Colin could handle apologies and fights when he knew what they were about, but when Jared’s source of anger was unknown, Colin felt like he was treading through a mine field.

 “I…I don’t know what else I’ve done.” He might as well just avoid a guessing game. The sooner they could get past this, the better.

“I don’t understand why she’s keeping the baby.”

Surprise once again hit Colin. “So, are you not mad at me for…you know…?”

“No, I’m still mad about that.” Jared leaned back into the couch, unwrapping his arms and crossing them as he did so. His legs stayed where they were. “But right now I’m more upset that she’s keeping it.” He sounded like he was trying to control his voice.

Well, fuck. Colin really didn’t know what to say to make this better now. “I can’t force her to get an abortion. It’s her choice.”

“But you have a say, too, don’t you? Didn’t she even ask you?” Jared had turned his head to look at Colin.

It felt like Colin’s very soul was being dissected by Jared’s searching eyes as he awaited an answer.

“Well, she just sort of told me more than asked me, and it would’ve been her final decision anyway, Jared.” Everyone knows it’s really the woman’s choice – how could Jared argue with that?

“What did you say?”

“When?”

Jared looked at him impatiently. “When she told you.”

Colin wished that he knew where Jared was going with this; why was he so focused on the baby now instead of the sex? “I didn’t know what to say. It fucking took me by surprise.”

“Did you even use protection?”

“She said she was on the pill.”

“Really? The one that makes her a slut or the one that makes her a liar?”

“Jared!” Colin didn’t want to hear such caddy remarks toward his child’s mother despite his and Jared’s fight. Jared simply looked at him, daring Colin to defend her when he was already in a shit-load of trouble. He tried to speak like they were reasonable men carrying on a reasonable conversation.

“She is neither a slut nor a liar, Jared. It was a mistake.”

“You keep saying that,” Jared said slowly, and Colin could tell that he was getting closer to losing control his voice, “but if it was such a big fucking mistake, then why the fuck is she keeping it? That’s where I get confused. Help me out here, Colin!” An insincere, patronizing smile had formed while he spoke, and Colin wanted more than anything for it to go away. All too suddenly it did.

“Just say it.” Jared faced forward again, leaning his head comfortably against the couch. “Just say it already.”

“Say what?”

At this Jared rolled his eyes. “That you want it.”

Colin was afraid to ask what he supposedly wanted. Luckily Jared went on without expecting an answer. “I know that you want this baby.”

Colin opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it when he was sent a sharp glance.

“I’ve seen you around James and other kids, Colin. You’re wonderful to them. I know you love being a father, and I love you for it.” Jared’s speech had become shakier, and Colin felt a lump form in his own throat. “But I should be the one having a baby with you, somehow, and it isn’t fair that I’m biologically unable to give you something that makes you so happy while that slut is running around carrying what should be our baby!”

By now Jared was speaking through his tears. Wordlessly, Colin slid to his side and wrapped his arms around Jared, ignoring the struggle that followed.

“I hate you right now,” Jared said, but it wasn’t long until he stopped fighting and instead leaned into Colin, to which Colin responded by holding him more tightly. He swung Jared’s legs around and across his own, dragging the other hand through Jared’s hair as he hid his face in the crook of Colin’s neck.

Colin didn’t know how long they stayed there, but he waited until Jared seemed more stable before saying anything other than whispered words of comfort.

“Jared…I had no idea you felt that way.” It actually touched Colin that Jared was so upset about not being able to have kids for Colin’s sake.

“Well, I do.” Jared’s voice sounded empty from crying. Colin felt a hand clench part of his shirt. “It scares me that I can’t give you the one thing that makes you the most happy, and that one day you might realize this and leave me for that woman so you can have a real family. And I’ll be too selfish to be happy for you.”

Colin grasped the hand that had grabbed his shirt. He brought it to his lips and kissed it. Then he placed a long kiss to Jared’s temple. “Look at me, Jared.”

It was a moment before Jared slowly lifted his head and showed Colin his beautifully defiant face – tear stains and all. Colin smiled warmly.

“The only thing I realized is how much I don’t deserve you; I realize that every day. You’ve just shown me, again, how wonderful you are. If I only wanted kids I would find a woman, but I need more than that. I love you. You are, by far, the most complex thing to ever walk into my life, Jared, and I would never give you up for a ‘real family,’ because as long as you love me we are a real family.”

“I do love you,” Jared said softly. He shoved Colin roughly and crossed his arms. “I’m still fucking pissed at you for cheating, though.”

Colin looked at him hopefully. “But we’ll get through this?”

“Yes,” Jared sighed and held Colin’s hand again, “we’ll get through this.”

 



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nice POV! he was sure under a lot of stress and jealousy, poor Jay!

Thank you! I would've been jealous too. Well, I probably am jealous of that girl (dunno her name). Getting to have Colin's baby....Gah...

The entire story sure is an interesting idea. Very intriguing. I tried to imagine how Jared would react if he was in a relationship with Colin and then the Irish bloke would not only cheat on him, but score too and get the woman pregnant.
Not easy.
First I thought it was more likely for him to just freak out over the cheating. Initially I saw Jared as someone who would not care overly much about the child. So there would be another kid who lives with its mother and Colin gets to see it once in a while and other than that pays aliments, so that is that. And that still sounds the most likely reaction to me sort of, for I still don't see Jared as one who cares about children too much and surely doesn't wish to have any in his life. I don't think he's a very fatherly kind of man - contrary to Colin.

Anyway, if there is a person who can be depicted in x different ways in stories with all of them - or at least most of them - fitting no matter now contrary they are, it's Jared. You can depict him as a tough cool cat or a very sensitive, romantic, family loving person or anything in between and it all seems to be possible.

So actually I really like this POV on Jared's reaction and how he would feel about Henry. Actually, Jared feeling threatened by this baby because he fears to lose Colin to a woman who is able to give him a 'real family' - something he's not able to when it comes to children - is a wonderful idea. It does sound a little like an AU Jared to me - or Hephaistion - but it's absolutly possible and a nice POV. I love it.

Very nice story, dear. I really enjoyed reading it. Gave me something to think about. :-)

I agree that he would freak out over cheating at first. But I didn't want to focus on it - that's why I wrote the story in medias res, which is when a story starts in the middle or at the end of a sequence of events rather than at the beginning. It was stated that Jared had already blown up at Colin, and it hadn't been about the kid, and Colin thought he was apologizing (sp?) for cheating only, so it's safe to assume that cheating is what they had 'fought' about.

Brooding on the couch for two hours is when Jared had time to think about the whole thing and all of its implications. I also agree with you that he isn't a family man, and he never really talks about wanting to be a dad himself, but he knows that Colin adores being a father and that he can't give Colin this experience. So his anger/fear is coming more from losing Colin to something Colin might love more than him than it is about having kids. Even Colin says that he didn't know Jared felt that way; he knows his boyfriend isn't big on kids. =]

You know, I didn't even think about Hephaestion while writing this, but I see what you mean now that you mention him. ^_^

I'm very glad that I made you think about something! And that you liked it, of course. =D

Ok, I see Jared's fear not in the first time in the cheating issue. Sure it hurt, too!

Actually I see the whole issue similar than Tariel, because Jay's greatest fear is about to loose Colin over a woman, who is able to give him a real family, something he isn't able!

But Jared,....physically you can't give him a baby, that's fact...buut you have soo much more to give, Colin can have only from you, that's for what he loves YOU, no other, do you hear me? Smitten dumbass, you. :)
You two could also have kids together! Did you ever thought
about an adoption, or to spend your seemen to a nice trustworthy woman, who is willing to carry your baby in her womb...????
And not to forget Colin's son James and his now got to be baby, too. Your temporary family already,....hm ??!

Now it's only the cheating promblem, for which he could pay,
bringing the trash out for weeks and cleaning the house, hehehe!!! *devious grin*

I also enjoyed very much, reading it...*lol* nearly begging Colin. But I can understand Jared in all his fear, here!
Would have the same fear!

Great work again, dear!


I love your pep talk with Jared during this comment - I'm sure if he could actually hear you he would feel much better about all this. =D

I think he was simply too upset with Colin and the 'other woman' and all that to start thinking about adoption and whatnot just yet, but I think he would soon after this.

I'm sure Colin would try to sneak and pay someone to do those chores for him XD

Thanks Carmen!!

What is it with me today? I almost cried with this one T__T
Poor Jared, wanting a family with Colin and not being able to u.u Poor Jared! T-T

When I read your comment I started, in my head, comforting you like I would my puppy. >.> lol! I was like 'Oh, no, baby, it's ok, aboudbakfasbf'...cuz sometimes I just make noise at him since it's all foreign to him anyway =P Of course you might look at me like I'm crazy, but anyway...I also sympathized (sp?) with Jared a lot in this story T_T

See, this is why I started writing mpreg in the first place XD because of stories like this one, where Jared is scared of loosing Colin to something he CAN'T give him, so yeah.
Aawww hahaha I like to be comforted like a puppy :3 woof!

EDIT: Read this again, cried, there IS something wrong with me XD

Edited at 2010-08-01 03:17 pm (UTC)

Wow! The emotional tension of Jared was so wonderfully expressed.
I loved how you used Jared's 'fear'...it's actually very cute ^_^

Thaannks, Jun ^___^ I've been wanting to write about this anyway, like I said up top, and your prompt word gave me the perfect excuse to finally do it! =] I'm vury glad you liked it

This was really moving. I'm glad Jared is still upset over the cheating - he is, after all, only human. I'm sure they'll work it out, eventually.

I know right - if Jared wasn't still upset about cheating I wouldn't have been able to post this. lol. Oh Colin - he should really pamper Jared all the time now, don't you think? But anyway. I'm glad you found it moving, thanks very much for saying so =]

I like this story and I mostly agree with the opinion Tariel expressed above - "Anyway, if there is a person who can be depicted in x different ways in stories with all of them - or at least most of them - fitting no matter now contrary they are, it's Jared. You can depict him as a tough cool cat or a very sensitive, romantic, family loving person or anything in between and it all seems to be possible."
Sorry for cut and paste, but those are my thoughts exactly. I also see him as very versatile and completely unpredictable person, so, if that situation was for real, his reaction could be a complete surprise, but I like the version of your story as well.

lol, it's fine. I do agree with her as well about Jared's diversity. This is why I want everyone else to write about it too =P But I am quite happy that you like my version, thanks a lot! ^_^

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